I had a realization about “people pleasing” and I wanted to share it because it’s important to see where we’ve made choices that don’t reflect who we truly are or want to be. Take yourself into this story and really imagine who you were growing up. See if this resonates with you or if there was another time in your life where you acted out of a people pleasing mindset.
While having a minute to myself recently, I began to think about the way I’ve spoken my whole life; the words I choose, the tone in which I’ve said things, how I conduct dialogues or even monologues. When I was growing up, I went to Catholic School where they constantly taught you how to speak appropriately. I was a pretty shy child, nervous about the world, but always wanting to do my best. I practiced different ways to hide my nerves when presenting things in front of a class and rehearsed what I was going to say whether it was for a formal presentation or just walking a note over from one teacher to another. I thought about it and rehearsed it so much, I eventually got pretty good at speaking. I won competitions, became great at giving talks to large groups of people, and could handle a lot of customer service issues smoothly through the words I chose and the way I said those words.
Now here’s what I realized.
I learned how to speak to people based on how THEY needed to hear it.
I spent a lot of time making sure that every detail was right and specific to each audience. I learned to use filler words like “so, um, like” when I had an audience that wanted “authenticity” (which was only authentic to them, not me). I watched my language carefully when I had an audience of more professional expectations. Basically, I became the master of understanding how to behave in front of all types of people.
But you know what the problem with that is?
In an effort to make everyone else comfortable, I lost sight of what made ME comfortable.
I didn’t know what “being myself” really looked like because I was a chameleon and felt like each color I presented was fittingly me.
Now, I have no problem with the skill I’ve learned and come to love, but I confused it with who I was for so long.
I didn’t know myself because I was busy worrying about everyone else.
It’s your turn to take this inward. Ask yourself if you do this in your own way.
Is there something you did/wore/said to make others comfortable or like you more?
Did you dim your own personality because it fit better with others when you did?
Are there things you do now that don’t align with how you truly feel because you’re unsure how the truth of your essence would be perceived?
In my opinion and experience(take this as you will because it’s only a theory), whenever you hide the parts of you that are genuine to yourself, you begin to struggle with your mind.
You become anxious with worry about how you’re being perceived. (That’s what it was for me).
You may feel depressed, like nothing is vibrant, nothing makes sense, nothing is for you in this world. (Because the “you” you’re living isn’t really you).
You create habits of discomfort and avoidance.
You do things that you “have to do” even though they’re so far from who you want to be because that’s what you’ve been told to do.
You live in a constant state of unhappiness and stress. At the end of the day, you’re far less content than you’d hoped.
It’s so exhausting to live like this. I’ve done it for a long time. I get it.
The good thing is, if you can pinpoint the behaviors, attitudes or actions that are spurred from that people pleasing place in your mind, you can begin to work on changing the patterns and habits.
It’s great because our brain is ALWAYS ready to take on new neural pathways. No matter how far down the rabbit hole you are, there’s always a way back out. (Thank you neuroplasticity).
If you’re looking to begin that journey of change now, check out my other article called “Managing Stress.” It has a great plan for adding good things in your life in order to stay grounded.
You can take that idea and create a list of things that TRULY align with you and make you happy.
Maybe even make 2 lists:
- All the things you’re doing that don’t contribute to your happiness.
- All the things that bring you PURE joy and make you feel like your real self.
Identify what’s true to you, and identify what’s not but something you felt you had to do. (Ex. I would use filler words around certain people even though I didn’t need/like to in order to fit in).
Once you begin to see where you’re not happy and what’s not serving you, there’s an epiphany feeling.
You aren’t tied to the things you don’t love doing.
You are much more free than the world allows you to think.
If you want change, you 100% CAN make it happen.
If you need deeper help, please reach out. I’d love to coach you and create new patterns/habits together!
With love,
Carley
